genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
