You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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