Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
