I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
