I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
