life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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