My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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