And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So squirting runs in the family.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
