Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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