"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
