mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
