Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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