well I can't set my house on fire every night
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
