I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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