You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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