i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
