I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
