Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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