I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
