i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
