in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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