Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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