i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
