So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We were destined to go to rehab together
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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