My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
