he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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