the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
