my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i've created a new STD.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
