All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
