I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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