I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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