If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
