I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
