he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
