And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
