Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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