i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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