i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
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