my phone needs a breathalizer
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
