so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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