i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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