Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
