My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
