living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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