I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So here I am, sexting at work.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
