4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
