I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My vagina just recognized that song.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
