I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
