Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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