you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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