And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my shit smells like andre
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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