Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
