it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
even my farts smell like vagina
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So apparently I’m into choking now
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
