Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
