my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
