you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
