please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
