I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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