your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
