I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
