but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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