my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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