Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
