But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want to make out with him forever
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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