my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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