did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
