Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
