onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if only i could text you this smell
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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