when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
